Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
