hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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