she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
