How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
