Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
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I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
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Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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