There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
