I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
