my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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