Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You took a bar mat shot.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
