Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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