the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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