I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
where are my eyebrows?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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