my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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