I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
