How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.