I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
