WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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