And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
