I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
