The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
