can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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