there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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