If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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