I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
