he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
