He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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