I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
