Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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