I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Every concussion has its silver lining
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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