just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
