Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
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i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Houston, we have a squirter
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
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Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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