You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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