is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
