Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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