totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
