It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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