You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
