In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
