I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
