My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
