So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
We named our party play list daddy issues
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
