Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
