my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
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You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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