Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
