i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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