i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
