some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
