your parents love me but you hate me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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