He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
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I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
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Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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