I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
