my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
