I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
