Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
