If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
