tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
