So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I can tuck mytits in my pants
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
