Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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